This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who the Fuck did your hair?"
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The caring grandfather
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and drinks in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a gentle controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say again "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . The little bastard's name is Kevin."................
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a gentle controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say again "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . The little bastard's name is Kevin."................
Non PC Stuff - you have been warned!!!
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
Just Fostered a Muslim. All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke. All I said was, "golly you're tall.".
They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk', in Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester & Luton:
because the Giant couldn't smell any blood of Englishmen.
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away.." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
Just Fostered a Muslim. All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke. All I said was, "golly you're tall.".
They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk', in Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester & Luton:
because the Giant couldn't smell any blood of Englishmen.
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away.." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
Gotta Love The Irish
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
Jewish Divorce...
A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff !
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex,my vagina is now the size of
A 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."
Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire
businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari
you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away........ over 45 cents?"
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex,my vagina is now the size of
A 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."
Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire
businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari
you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away........ over 45 cents?"
Ecomomic Stimulus Payment
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka ..
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ...
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka ..
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ...
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help
Monday, March 14, 2011
The Irish prostitute
An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year.
Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us ? not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?".
The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad. ...I became a prostitute..." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK, Daddy-- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million cheque.. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club......... .................. (takes a breath)..... ........ and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Carribean and... ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us ? not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?".
The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad. ...I became a prostitute..." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK, Daddy-- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million cheque.. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club......... .................. (takes a breath)..... ........ and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Carribean and... ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
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