Noah in 2009

In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in Macclesfield, England and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over -populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing Along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah Weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector About the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood Bye-Laws by building the Ark in my Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
Go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them That the sea would be coming to us, but they would
Hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study On your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally With endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 Years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, And a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " Gordon Brown and the Government beat me to it."

How fights start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

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The Australian approach

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so
how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20
or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,23764!!   What the hell did you sell
him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and
then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull  it, so I took
him down  to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here
to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend
and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

Justice for all

it would be very simple to organise a massive saving of our tax pounds.

There are 1.2 million prisoners in our jails and a similar number of old folk in nursing/care homes, so:

Just reverse it - put 1.2 million pensioners in jail, and 1.2 million criminals into nursing homes.

This way the seniors would have showers, activities and exercise; they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.  And they'd receive pocket money.

The video monitoring would give them instant help, if they needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and clothing ironed and returned to them.

A warden would check them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.  They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJs and legal aid would be free, on request.  Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard,with gardens. Each senior could have a PC, TV, radio, and daily phone calls.  There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and sort them out.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised. Heating and lighting off at 8pm, and only occasional baths.  Live in a tiny room, and pay £1000 per month and have no hope of release.

Justice for all. Sorted !!

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
 
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement..
 
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
 
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.
 
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
 
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a  bushfire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its  arse.'
 
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
 
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
 
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
 
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
 
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Is mommy there?

*Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey..**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
 
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.
 
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
 
**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Paul?'**
 
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
 
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
 
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
 

*****Long Pause*****
 



*****Longer Pause*****
 



*****Even Longer Pause*****



 
**Then Daddy says,**
 
**'Swimming pool?  ...........**
 
**Is this 486-5731?'*
 
*No, I think you have the wrong number.........

iDevices joke

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my
daughter an iPod for hers, and I was dead chuffed when the family got
together and bought me an iPad for father's day.

Got my wife an iRon for her Birthday, it was then that the fight started...

Tolerance

I am perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of us all to be tolerant & promote tolerance. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote harmony & tolerance in a Multicultural Society.


That is why I also propose, that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque. We could call the clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me So Hot". 


Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and have an open barbeque with spare ribs as its daily special. Across the street a very daring lingerie store called “Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret” with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods. 


Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop, its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store, maybe call it "Morehammered"? 


If you agree in promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan, pass it on. 

Stopping the divorce

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".


"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.


"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.
"We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".


Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell They're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".


She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT Getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my Brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.


The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas  - and they're paying their own way.."

Education

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going.
"I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug
abuse on the human body."
The policeman asks, "Really?
And who's going to give a lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies "My wife".

The Banking Crisis simply explained...

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day...
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at two pounds apiece and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'


Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Jane and Arlene

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.?
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.?
Arlene: ?What in the hell is that??
Jane: ? A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.?
Arlene: Where did you get it??
Jane: You can get them at any chemist.?
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.?
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.?
"Doesn't matter lovey, as long as it fits on a Camel !!"?
The pharmacist fainted. !!