A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.'
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16, he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said “I would have gotten out today”.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Why we like being British
Why we like being British - supposedly True Reports from British life.
BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
Comenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a
spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time
of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up
during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in
her underwear.
When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian
boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked
him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have
a gauge.
However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the
cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do
her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up
in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to
their passengers...
1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'
2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know
any further information as soon as I'm given any.'
3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad
news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'
4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'
5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ..... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I
could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.
6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars.
If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity.
Failing that, give it to me.'
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl:
'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately,
towels are not provided.'
8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines,
see if I care - I'm going home....'
9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'
10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close.
It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'
11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'
12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage
-- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'
13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move
ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message
to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put
the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door
before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'
14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's
only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'
BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
Comenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a
spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time
of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up
during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in
her underwear.
When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian
boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked
him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have
a gauge.
However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the
cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do
her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up
in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to
their passengers...
1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'
2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know
any further information as soon as I'm given any.'
3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad
news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'
4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'
5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ..... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I
could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.
6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars.
If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity.
Failing that, give it to me.'
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl:
'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately,
towels are not provided.'
8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines,
see if I care - I'm going home....'
9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'
10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close.
It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'
11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'
12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage
-- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'
13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move
ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message
to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put
the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door
before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'
14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's
only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'
Negative People
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who the Fuck did your hair?"
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who the Fuck did your hair?"
The caring grandfather
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and drinks in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a gentle controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say again "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . The little bastard's name is Kevin."................
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a gentle controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say again "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . The little bastard's name is Kevin."................
Non PC Stuff - you have been warned!!!
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
Just Fostered a Muslim. All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke. All I said was, "golly you're tall.".
They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk', in Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester & Luton:
because the Giant couldn't smell any blood of Englishmen.
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away.." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
Just Fostered a Muslim. All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke. All I said was, "golly you're tall.".
They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk', in Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester & Luton:
because the Giant couldn't smell any blood of Englishmen.
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away.." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
Gotta Love The Irish
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
Jewish Divorce...
A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff !
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex,my vagina is now the size of
A 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."
Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire
businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari
you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away........ over 45 cents?"
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex,my vagina is now the size of
A 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."
Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire
businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari
you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away........ over 45 cents?"
Ecomomic Stimulus Payment
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka ..
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ...
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka ..
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ...
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)