A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and drinks in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a gentle controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say again "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . The little bastard's name is Kevin."................
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Non PC Stuff - you have been warned!!!
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
Just Fostered a Muslim. All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke. All I said was, "golly you're tall.".
They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk', in Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester & Luton:
because the Giant couldn't smell any blood of Englishmen.
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away.." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
Just Fostered a Muslim. All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke. All I said was, "golly you're tall.".
They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk', in Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester & Luton:
because the Giant couldn't smell any blood of Englishmen.
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away.." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
Gotta Love The Irish
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
Jewish Divorce...
A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff !
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex,my vagina is now the size of
A 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."
Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire
businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari
you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away........ over 45 cents?"
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex,my vagina is now the size of
A 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."
Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire
businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari
you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away........ over 45 cents?"
Ecomomic Stimulus Payment
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka ..
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ...
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka ..
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ...
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help
Monday, March 14, 2011
The Irish prostitute
An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year.
Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us ? not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?".
The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad. ...I became a prostitute..." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK, Daddy-- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million cheque.. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club......... .................. (takes a breath)..... ........ and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Carribean and... ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us ? not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?".
The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad. ...I became a prostitute..." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK, Daddy-- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million cheque.. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club......... .................. (takes a breath)..... ........ and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Carribean and... ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Portugal - Tavira Christmas 2010 (Turkeygate)
Note: Pics to hopefully be added too.
Day 1
Snowed in. Didnt think would get to gatwick as snow had cancelled buses. Tried digging mums car out of 7" of snow. No luck. Tony gave us a lift to bus in his ancient land rover. Stressful but made gatwick in time although flight delayed 6 mins when left but on arrival was an hour but we still had to check in the usual time. WTF? Only just made flight. No upgrade to our hire car, got a crappy punto instead of the slightly less crappy Renault megane, certainly less battered, which we got a few months ago from same dealer. Car had hub cab missing and all wheels were scratched not just the two that were mentioned on paperwork. Not a great start really. Managed to find hotel vile gale tavira easily, well the journey to the town of tavira was easy anyway. The Sat nav went mental but by chance found hotel. I have to add at this point that anna (@flickj on twitter) made an excellent sat nav holder as the plastic one was forgotten back at home in a drawer somewhere no doubt. Grrr. Drinks and food in bar were very welcome by 9.30pm when we arrived. On entering the hotel you can't help notice the imposing turquoise columns around the huge centrally located Christmas tree. They would be quite overpowering except for the vast lounge area and subtle furnishings. Except for the strange lamps, that all seemed broken but on closer inspection were made to stick out at strange angles. This didn't work well with the otherwise traditional decor in my opinion and it did grate me slightly, but I'll cope I hope.
Day 2
Walked into tavira centre and walked out.
Its more of a quaint village than a town really I would say. It's pretty tiny really. Some cool traditional architecture though. Walked quite a bit along the river but missed the tourist office by minutes. Will try again tomorrow.
It has to be mentioned, and should have been sooner, that we had a lovely view from the third floor balcony of the road below, fish and fruit Market and building works. The place was full of silver threads - oaps - which made us feel young!
Day 3
Strolled back into Tavira and got maps of the place and faro. Always useful. Anna got new shoooooooes well boots but shooooooes sounds better. Visited castle, now I'm not picky but to me most have a moat, turrets, that zig zaggety wall on top, and well let's just say this was a garden, pretty it must be said, but nevertheless a garden with some walls around it and totally void of zigzagertyness. Still the sun was out, so that certainly helped its appearance. Near the walled garden was an observatory. You could see Tavira on only what can be described as a giant plate, which showed close ups of all that was going on around town at the current time and even as far as Spain on a clearer day. A bit creepy and voyeuristic? Perhaps. There are only 50 left in the world of these things. Leonardo de Vinci had one we were informed. It's ok in my book then.
Took the car for a spin got lost but eventually found a large shopping centre. After consuming some junk food trekked around and found a plastic version of anna to use as a sat nav holder. Not as universal in use, but more compact that's for sure. ;) it's a pretty impressive centre it has to be said. Walked into the town centre in the evening and found a brilliant pizza place. 6 euros for a seafood pizza, fantastic value and damn fine pizza to boot. Cheap drinks too so had a few. €26 for everything. It's €20 each at hotel for just a buffet meal. WTF!
Day 4
Drugged up, consumed paracetomol, ibuprofen strepsils decongestants by bucket load. Got Flu, slept rested and slept some more. :(
Day 5 - Christmas eve
Flu, slept more did make breakfast, tried Benedictine which a fellow inmate, sorry I meant guest suggested. He promised one would knock me out. The taste certainly does, it's foul. Although considering cough medicine had been my delicacy of choice the last few days maybe I wasn't the best judge. That cough syrup really did taste good though! Anyway i digress. After eating nothing much for two days the drink surprisingly didn't floor me. The second one made me sleep well though. It was great to sleep that night for more than 3 hrs on the trot rather than the maximum 1hr the previous two nights.
Day 6 - Christmas day
Awoke with eyes and sinuses throbbing with pain and a sore back. I think the Benedictine might be partly to blame, but it really felt freezing last night too. Paracetemol didn't help, made breakfast but wanted to leave room for the Christmas turkey and stuffing meal (buffet) extravaganza. Oh yes something to look forward to. The time arrived, the momentous occasion. It was a buffet, same as other nights, a few more nibbles on offer but not enough to command a €45 per head penance. There was turkey with lobster source which was pretty good but where was the turkey and stuffing though? I searched through thick and thin and up and down in and out round and round but none was to be found. Finally there it was SAGA had it all. It looked good the table next to us got some, we asked for some but were told it wasn't available. We left it there but were pretty miffed. To be honest I didn't have the energy to complain.
Had a rest and watched underworld, a quite entertaining vampire vs werewolf's movie.
One mighty decongestant and ibruprofin later I was a new man. I stormed into town to try and find free wi fi but to no avail. Storming back I confronted the hotel reception about the missing turkey - It can't have flown away, turkeys don't fly for a start! Never mind the whole death thing, which goes without saying, hence not mentioning it, although now I have, too late now. Reception called the restaurant manager who assured me about 71 times that the turkey and stuffing was indeed roosting and we had just missed it. I collected anna on the way to the restaurant as I argued with the restaurant guy. I was enjoying venting my frustration and I assume he was enjoying lying to me aswell. He showed me where it was, it was evening by now so it was the evening menu, of course it was there now. He laughably looked through the food display cards as if that would prove his invalid point. It didn't. He even said that SAGA paid more for their whole turkey, which is plausible I suppose. He said that the table next to us paid extra too, which is possible but unlikely as the couple said to us before that they thought everyone would get it and were surprised they had to ask for it. I did raise my voice, but our argument finished with us getting free drinks. My whiskey sour went down well as a hollow victory, an apology was the least I expected though.
We had a nice evening after that. Chatted to a guy from holland who sets up golfing holidays and he agreed hotel was overpriced. Still over flu now, so things looking up. Live music was good too. Some real classics from Santana, elvis, pink floyd all helped as did the tequila I'm sure. I'm not sure watching 21 grams helped my sleep pattern though, but it's a good film.
Day 7 - Boxing day
Just about made breakfast this morning. The sun is out. It's the last whole day before going home. We are both pretty tired though. Pretty lazy day, watched a bit of Sunderland lose to man u while anna rested. Our allies from turkeygate were there so i checked if they knew that they were charged for the infamous feathered friend, they said if they were they wouldnt pay anyway. We went to mama mia pizza in evening and were followed by two kittens, now to find a way to smuggle them back with us, if only they would shut up for a second or two that is. More drinks at bar, had some herby Jägermeister like thing, lots of lemon juice was needed, said goodbyes to people had chatted to. Night.
Day 8 - Home sweet home.
At breakfast I was very tempted to write turkeygate in pieces of fruit or crumbs, but didn't. Not sure why.
Checked out of hotel and headed to Olhao, saw sea, drove to Loule, not much there either so went onto Vilamoura where we enjoyed a late lunch of scampi and chips at Porkys Irish bar. It was funny, a Portuguese man came in and the Irish bar lass couldn't understand him. We felt more at home though having been there about two months ago.
Some twat had hit the front of the car, not sure when, must have been when parked at the hotel, luckily insurance covered damage, so just had to chat to a quite pretty lady who pointed where I had to fill in form. Sorted. Now the wait to check in our over weight bag. I reckon it could be twenty quid, but we will see.
We will both be glad to get home and relax and have a holiday. I felt bad when the hotel bar man said are you coming back? He is from Lisbon, my thought was why are you here? I only said maybe, but the answer was unfortunately no.
We didn't have to pay extra for our luggage. What a result. Had a good flight but had 15 minutes to catch our bus, otherwise it would have been another two hours wait. Sprinted to baggage claim, ours was there quickly, two minutes to get to bus, and we made it. Home sweet home, and before midnight too.
Disclaimer: some exaggeration maybe made in the above, it's up to you to work it out though. There are a few facts thrown in too.
Day 1
Snowed in. Didnt think would get to gatwick as snow had cancelled buses. Tried digging mums car out of 7" of snow. No luck. Tony gave us a lift to bus in his ancient land rover. Stressful but made gatwick in time although flight delayed 6 mins when left but on arrival was an hour but we still had to check in the usual time. WTF? Only just made flight. No upgrade to our hire car, got a crappy punto instead of the slightly less crappy Renault megane, certainly less battered, which we got a few months ago from same dealer. Car had hub cab missing and all wheels were scratched not just the two that were mentioned on paperwork. Not a great start really. Managed to find hotel vile gale tavira easily, well the journey to the town of tavira was easy anyway. The Sat nav went mental but by chance found hotel. I have to add at this point that anna (@flickj on twitter) made an excellent sat nav holder as the plastic one was forgotten back at home in a drawer somewhere no doubt. Grrr. Drinks and food in bar were very welcome by 9.30pm when we arrived. On entering the hotel you can't help notice the imposing turquoise columns around the huge centrally located Christmas tree. They would be quite overpowering except for the vast lounge area and subtle furnishings. Except for the strange lamps, that all seemed broken but on closer inspection were made to stick out at strange angles. This didn't work well with the otherwise traditional decor in my opinion and it did grate me slightly, but I'll cope I hope.
Day 2
Walked into tavira centre and walked out.
Its more of a quaint village than a town really I would say. It's pretty tiny really. Some cool traditional architecture though. Walked quite a bit along the river but missed the tourist office by minutes. Will try again tomorrow.
It has to be mentioned, and should have been sooner, that we had a lovely view from the third floor balcony of the road below, fish and fruit Market and building works. The place was full of silver threads - oaps - which made us feel young!
Day 3
Strolled back into Tavira and got maps of the place and faro. Always useful. Anna got new shoooooooes well boots but shooooooes sounds better. Visited castle, now I'm not picky but to me most have a moat, turrets, that zig zaggety wall on top, and well let's just say this was a garden, pretty it must be said, but nevertheless a garden with some walls around it and totally void of zigzagertyness. Still the sun was out, so that certainly helped its appearance. Near the walled garden was an observatory. You could see Tavira on only what can be described as a giant plate, which showed close ups of all that was going on around town at the current time and even as far as Spain on a clearer day. A bit creepy and voyeuristic? Perhaps. There are only 50 left in the world of these things. Leonardo de Vinci had one we were informed. It's ok in my book then.
Took the car for a spin got lost but eventually found a large shopping centre. After consuming some junk food trekked around and found a plastic version of anna to use as a sat nav holder. Not as universal in use, but more compact that's for sure. ;) it's a pretty impressive centre it has to be said. Walked into the town centre in the evening and found a brilliant pizza place. 6 euros for a seafood pizza, fantastic value and damn fine pizza to boot. Cheap drinks too so had a few. €26 for everything. It's €20 each at hotel for just a buffet meal. WTF!
Day 4
Drugged up, consumed paracetomol, ibuprofen strepsils decongestants by bucket load. Got Flu, slept rested and slept some more. :(
Day 5 - Christmas eve
Flu, slept more did make breakfast, tried Benedictine which a fellow inmate, sorry I meant guest suggested. He promised one would knock me out. The taste certainly does, it's foul. Although considering cough medicine had been my delicacy of choice the last few days maybe I wasn't the best judge. That cough syrup really did taste good though! Anyway i digress. After eating nothing much for two days the drink surprisingly didn't floor me. The second one made me sleep well though. It was great to sleep that night for more than 3 hrs on the trot rather than the maximum 1hr the previous two nights.
Day 6 - Christmas day
Awoke with eyes and sinuses throbbing with pain and a sore back. I think the Benedictine might be partly to blame, but it really felt freezing last night too. Paracetemol didn't help, made breakfast but wanted to leave room for the Christmas turkey and stuffing meal (buffet) extravaganza. Oh yes something to look forward to. The time arrived, the momentous occasion. It was a buffet, same as other nights, a few more nibbles on offer but not enough to command a €45 per head penance. There was turkey with lobster source which was pretty good but where was the turkey and stuffing though? I searched through thick and thin and up and down in and out round and round but none was to be found. Finally there it was SAGA had it all. It looked good the table next to us got some, we asked for some but were told it wasn't available. We left it there but were pretty miffed. To be honest I didn't have the energy to complain.
Had a rest and watched underworld, a quite entertaining vampire vs werewolf's movie.
One mighty decongestant and ibruprofin later I was a new man. I stormed into town to try and find free wi fi but to no avail. Storming back I confronted the hotel reception about the missing turkey - It can't have flown away, turkeys don't fly for a start! Never mind the whole death thing, which goes without saying, hence not mentioning it, although now I have, too late now. Reception called the restaurant manager who assured me about 71 times that the turkey and stuffing was indeed roosting and we had just missed it. I collected anna on the way to the restaurant as I argued with the restaurant guy. I was enjoying venting my frustration and I assume he was enjoying lying to me aswell. He showed me where it was, it was evening by now so it was the evening menu, of course it was there now. He laughably looked through the food display cards as if that would prove his invalid point. It didn't. He even said that SAGA paid more for their whole turkey, which is plausible I suppose. He said that the table next to us paid extra too, which is possible but unlikely as the couple said to us before that they thought everyone would get it and were surprised they had to ask for it. I did raise my voice, but our argument finished with us getting free drinks. My whiskey sour went down well as a hollow victory, an apology was the least I expected though.
We had a nice evening after that. Chatted to a guy from holland who sets up golfing holidays and he agreed hotel was overpriced. Still over flu now, so things looking up. Live music was good too. Some real classics from Santana, elvis, pink floyd all helped as did the tequila I'm sure. I'm not sure watching 21 grams helped my sleep pattern though, but it's a good film.
Day 7 - Boxing day
Just about made breakfast this morning. The sun is out. It's the last whole day before going home. We are both pretty tired though. Pretty lazy day, watched a bit of Sunderland lose to man u while anna rested. Our allies from turkeygate were there so i checked if they knew that they were charged for the infamous feathered friend, they said if they were they wouldnt pay anyway. We went to mama mia pizza in evening and were followed by two kittens, now to find a way to smuggle them back with us, if only they would shut up for a second or two that is. More drinks at bar, had some herby Jägermeister like thing, lots of lemon juice was needed, said goodbyes to people had chatted to. Night.
Day 8 - Home sweet home.
At breakfast I was very tempted to write turkeygate in pieces of fruit or crumbs, but didn't. Not sure why.
Checked out of hotel and headed to Olhao, saw sea, drove to Loule, not much there either so went onto Vilamoura where we enjoyed a late lunch of scampi and chips at Porkys Irish bar. It was funny, a Portuguese man came in and the Irish bar lass couldn't understand him. We felt more at home though having been there about two months ago.
Some twat had hit the front of the car, not sure when, must have been when parked at the hotel, luckily insurance covered damage, so just had to chat to a quite pretty lady who pointed where I had to fill in form. Sorted. Now the wait to check in our over weight bag. I reckon it could be twenty quid, but we will see.
We will both be glad to get home and relax and have a holiday. I felt bad when the hotel bar man said are you coming back? He is from Lisbon, my thought was why are you here? I only said maybe, but the answer was unfortunately no.
We didn't have to pay extra for our luggage. What a result. Had a good flight but had 15 minutes to catch our bus, otherwise it would have been another two hours wait. Sprinted to baggage claim, ours was there quickly, two minutes to get to bus, and we made it. Home sweet home, and before midnight too.
Disclaimer: some exaggeration maybe made in the above, it's up to you to work it out though. There are a few facts thrown in too.
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