The Irish prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year.
Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us ? not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?".
The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad. ...I became a prostitute..."  
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK, Daddy-- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million cheque.. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club......... .................. (takes a breath)..... ........ and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Carribean and... ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."

Portugal - Tavira Christmas 2010 (Turkeygate)

Note: Pics to hopefully be added too.

Day 1
Snowed in. Didnt think would get to gatwick as snow had cancelled buses. Tried digging mums car out of 7" of snow. No luck. Tony gave us a lift to bus in his ancient land rover. Stressful but made gatwick in time although flight delayed 6 mins when left but on arrival was an hour but we still had to check in the usual time. WTF? Only just made flight. No upgrade to our hire car, got a crappy punto instead of the slightly less crappy Renault megane, certainly less battered, which we got a few months ago from same dealer. Car had hub cab missing and all wheels were scratched not just the two that were mentioned on paperwork. Not a great start really. Managed to find hotel vile gale tavira easily, well the journey to the town of tavira was easy anyway. The Sat nav went mental but by chance found hotel. I have to add at this point that anna (@flickj on twitter) made an excellent sat nav holder as the plastic one was forgotten back at home in a drawer somewhere no doubt. Grrr. Drinks and food in bar were very welcome by 9.30pm when we arrived. On entering the hotel you can't help notice the imposing turquoise columns around the huge centrally located Christmas tree. They would be quite overpowering except for the vast lounge area and subtle furnishings. Except for the strange lamps, that all seemed broken but on closer inspection were made to stick out at strange angles. This didn't work well with the otherwise traditional decor in my opinion and it did grate me slightly, but I'll cope I hope.

Day 2
Walked into tavira centre and walked out.

Its more of a quaint village than a town really I would say. It's pretty tiny really. Some cool traditional architecture though. Walked quite a bit along the river but missed the tourist office by minutes. Will try again tomorrow.  

It has to be mentioned, and should have been sooner, that we had a lovely view from the third floor balcony of the road below, fish and fruit Market and building works. The place was full of silver threads - oaps - which made us feel young!

Day 3
Strolled back into Tavira and got maps of the place and faro. Always useful. Anna got new shoooooooes well boots but shooooooes sounds better. Visited castle, now I'm not picky but to me most have a moat, turrets, that zig zaggety wall on top, and well let's just say this was a garden, pretty it must be said, but nevertheless a garden with some walls around it and totally void of zigzagertyness. Still the sun was out, so that certainly helped its appearance. Near the walled garden was an observatory. You could see Tavira on only what can be described as a giant plate, which showed close ups of all that was going on around town at the current time and even as far as Spain on a clearer day. A bit creepy and voyeuristic? Perhaps. There are only 50 left in the world of these things. Leonardo de Vinci had one we were informed. It's ok in my book then.

Took the car for a spin got lost but eventually found a large shopping centre. After consuming some junk food trekked around and found a plastic version of anna to use as a sat nav holder. Not as universal in use, but more compact that's for sure. ;) it's a pretty impressive centre it has to be said. Walked into the town centre in the evening and found a brilliant pizza place. 6 euros for a seafood pizza, fantastic value and damn fine pizza to boot. Cheap drinks too so had a few. €26 for everything. It's €20 each at hotel for just a buffet meal. WTF!

Day 4
Drugged up, consumed paracetomol, ibuprofen strepsils decongestants by bucket load. Got Flu, slept rested and slept some more. :(

Day 5 - Christmas eve
Flu, slept more did make breakfast, tried Benedictine which a fellow inmate, sorry I meant guest suggested. He promised one would knock me out. The taste certainly does, it's foul. Although considering cough medicine had been my delicacy of choice the last few days maybe I wasn't the best judge. That cough syrup really did taste good though! Anyway i digress. After eating nothing much for two days the drink surprisingly didn't floor me. The second one made me sleep well though. It was great to sleep that night for more than 3 hrs on the trot rather than the maximum 1hr the previous two nights.

Day 6 - Christmas day
Awoke with eyes and sinuses throbbing with pain and a sore back. I think the Benedictine might be partly to blame, but it really felt freezing last night too. Paracetemol didn't help, made breakfast but wanted to leave room for the Christmas turkey and stuffing meal (buffet) extravaganza. Oh yes something to look forward to. The time arrived, the momentous occasion. It was a buffet, same as other nights, a few more nibbles on offer but not enough to command a €45 per head penance. There was turkey with lobster source which was pretty good but where was the turkey and stuffing though? I searched through thick and thin and up and down in and out round and round but none was to be found. Finally there it was SAGA had it all. It looked good the table next to us got some, we asked for some but were told it wasn't available. We left it there but were pretty miffed. To be honest I didn't have the energy to complain.

Had a rest and watched underworld, a quite entertaining vampire vs werewolf's movie.

One mighty decongestant and ibruprofin later I was a new man. I stormed into town to try and find free wi fi but to no avail. Storming back I confronted the hotel reception about the missing turkey - It can't have flown away, turkeys don't fly for a start! Never mind the whole death thing, which goes without saying, hence not mentioning it, although now I have, too late now. Reception called the restaurant manager who assured me about 71 times that the turkey and stuffing was indeed roosting and we had just missed it. I collected anna on the way to the restaurant as I argued with the restaurant guy. I was enjoying venting my frustration and I assume he was enjoying lying to me aswell. He showed me where it was, it was evening by now so it was the evening menu, of course it was there now. He laughably looked through the food display cards as if that would prove his invalid point. It didn't. He even said that SAGA paid more for their whole turkey, which is plausible I suppose. He said that the table next to us paid extra too, which is possible but unlikely as the couple said to us before that they thought everyone would get it and were surprised they had to ask for it. I did raise my voice, but our argument finished with us getting free drinks. My whiskey sour went down well as a hollow victory, an apology was the least I expected though.

We had a nice evening after that. Chatted to a guy from holland who sets up golfing holidays and he agreed hotel was overpriced. Still over flu now, so things looking up. Live music was good too. Some real classics from Santana, elvis, pink floyd all helped as did the tequila I'm sure.  I'm not sure watching 21 grams helped my sleep pattern though, but it's a good film.

Day 7 - Boxing day
Just about made breakfast this morning. The sun is out. It's the last whole day before going home. We are both pretty tired though. Pretty lazy day, watched a bit of Sunderland lose to man u while anna rested. Our allies from turkeygate were there so i checked if they knew that they were charged for the infamous feathered friend, they said if they were they wouldnt pay anyway. We went to mama mia pizza in evening and were followed by two kittens, now to find a way to smuggle them back with us, if only they would shut up for a second or two that is. More drinks at bar, had some herby Jägermeister like thing, lots of lemon juice was needed, said goodbyes to people had chatted to. Night.

Day 8 - Home sweet home.
At breakfast I was very tempted to write turkeygate in pieces of fruit or crumbs, but didn't. Not sure why.

Checked out of hotel and headed to Olhao, saw sea, drove to Loule, not much there either so went onto Vilamoura where we enjoyed a late lunch of scampi and chips at Porkys Irish bar. It was funny, a Portuguese man came in and the Irish bar lass couldn't understand him. We felt more at home though having been there about two months ago.

Some twat had hit the front of the car, not sure when, must have been when parked at the hotel, luckily insurance covered damage, so just had to chat to a quite pretty lady who pointed where I had to fill in form. Sorted. Now the wait to check in our over weight bag. I reckon it could be twenty quid, but we will see.

We will both be glad to get home and relax and have a holiday. I felt bad when the hotel bar man said are you coming back? He is from Lisbon, my thought was why are you here? I only said maybe, but the answer was unfortunately no.

We didn't have to pay extra for our luggage. What a result. Had a good flight but had 15 minutes to catch our bus, otherwise it would have been another two hours wait. Sprinted to baggage claim, ours was there quickly, two minutes to get to bus, and we made it. Home sweet home, and before midnight too.


Disclaimer: some exaggeration maybe made in the above, it's up to you to work it out though. There are a few facts thrown in too.

Noah in 2009

In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in Macclesfield, England and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over -populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing Along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah Weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector About the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood Bye-Laws by building the Ark in my Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
Go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them That the sea would be coming to us, but they would
Hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study On your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally With endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 Years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, And a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " Gordon Brown and the Government beat me to it."

How fights start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

..................................................................................................................................

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

..................................................................................................................................

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

..................................................................................................................................

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

..................................................................................................................................

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

..................................................................................................................................

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

..................................................................................................................................

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

..................................................................................................................................

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

..................................................................................................................................

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

..................................................................................................................................

The Australian approach

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so
how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20
or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,23764!!   What the hell did you sell
him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and
then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull  it, so I took
him down  to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here
to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend
and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

Justice for all

it would be very simple to organise a massive saving of our tax pounds.

There are 1.2 million prisoners in our jails and a similar number of old folk in nursing/care homes, so:

Just reverse it - put 1.2 million pensioners in jail, and 1.2 million criminals into nursing homes.

This way the seniors would have showers, activities and exercise; they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.  And they'd receive pocket money.

The video monitoring would give them instant help, if they needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and clothing ironed and returned to them.

A warden would check them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.  They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJs and legal aid would be free, on request.  Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard,with gardens. Each senior could have a PC, TV, radio, and daily phone calls.  There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and sort them out.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised. Heating and lighting off at 8pm, and only occasional baths.  Live in a tiny room, and pay £1000 per month and have no hope of release.

Justice for all. Sorted !!

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
 
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement..
 
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
 
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.
 
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
 
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a  bushfire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its  arse.'
 
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
 
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
 
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
 
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
 
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?